I am a public officer. I have a daughter who is 18 year old trans woman. During my pregnancy, I always wanted to have a daughter, they said that I would have a son in medical examination. At first I was sad, but when my husband was happy to have a son, I became happy too. After giving birth, our child was born as a boy and we accepted him as a boy. I did not realize anything when my child was growing up, but because of the examples I saw around, I got worried and asked involuntarily, “I wonder if my child will be like this?” I always kept my child under control to see if there was any mark of femininity. I was observing if there was any difference in the behaviors and gestures, checking the toys.

At that time, there was no mark to make me suspicious until the adolescence period. My child was 14 years old then, I saw in the computer’s browser history there was a search for gay relations. When I clicked on the link, I got scared when I saw the images that appeared before me. I got panicked and asked my child directly, “Did you watch this?” My child denied it. I said “If you become like them, I will reject you, you cannot live in this house. I can’t have a child like you”. “No mom, I’m not like that. Don’t worry, I’m normal, not gay” my child replied. When my child said that, my mind was set at ease, but still, there was the fear.

I then continued to monitor my child and found some pills. Without noticing my child, I searched for the contents of the pills on the internet and realized that these were pills related to hormone therapy, the female hormones. When I asked about the pills, my child scolded me and said “you cannot understand.” After I gathered information about the pills, my child stopped denial and said “I am using these but for different reasons”. My suspicions continued.

Then we went on an international trip together. My child had been planning to come out to me during this trip. When we went on the trip, the appearance did not change and my child was still acting masculine. A few days later, my child said “Mom, I’m going to tell you something. I am gay”. I was stunned and said “my fears came true, how could you be gay, you denied it”. My child told me “I hid it so as not to upset you.” “As if I am not upset now?” I replied. “Well, at least you haven’t been upset during this time” my child tried to soothe me. Of course, I was offensive. I verbally abused him by saying things like “Will you be like this, how will you live, will you live such a life?” In the following days, I was pretty harsh. But my child always tried to assume a humble tone to get an endorsement from me by saying “Mommy, my dear, I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you, don’t do that, you are hurting me. What matters is your opinion. After you accept me, the rest doesn’t matter”.

I’ve had some pretty tough days. Staying awake until the morning, so to speak; I wanted to tear my hair out. Of course, this spoil the pleasure of our holiday. Thanks to my close friend, whom we approached supported us both in the coming out process and in my acceptance process by soothing me by saying, “Auntie, this is your child, you have to accept your child completely. Don’t act like that, don’t talk like that”.

When we got home, my child wanted to make me watch something. “There is a documentary called “My Child”. It helps you understand me better” my child said. I said, “I don’t want to watch, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know and understand you either.” My child insisted a lot, I could not resist more. By the way, I made some research on the internet. When I came home one evening, my child forced me to watch the whole movie. While watching it, I said, “So I am not alone, there are other families in the same situation.” I felt sorry for them and said, “Why me, why did it happen to me, why didn’t it happen like everyone else? What was I dreaming of, what did I see?” I thought. Of course, by the way, because the person in front of you is your child, inevitably your process of acceptance starts.

When we went to the doctor later, the doctor said that this was a situation that should be accepted as such, this is beyond our power, that we could get through this process more easily if we stood by our child as family. Then said, “If you do not stand with your child, you will experience challenges and lose your child” and informed me about concepts that I did not know before. Some children are born in a female body and felt like a man; some of them are born as male and felt like a woman. I learned also about sexual orientations, like same sex relations like gay or lesbian relations; I learned that those who get attracted to both sex is called bisexual. I did not know the distinction between trans men and trans women before, I supposed all of them are gay.

As I started to attend the meetings, I started to relax and learned to express myself comfortably. I saw that I was not alone. We got together with other similar families and shared good things, supported our children and shared more with them.

So that means we used to have blinders. Later I learned: whoever your children are, they are your children in the end. You shall stand by their side and support them by holding their hands by embracing them. Now I believe our relation will get better and better. Maybe it was good that it happened this way. I got rid of my previous bias and stereotypes. My perspective about persons and gender has changed. Although I am a university graduate, I gained a lot of information that I could not obtain before.

I say to my child, “I am glad that you are here, you are always welcomed no matter what you are, I’m with you, I love you very much” and my child says to me, “My dear mom, I love you so much, I’m glad you are my mother, I’m very happy with you and I always want to live with you” Both my children are the same for me. It doesn’t matter if my children are trans or straight. I don’t see any difference between them. After all, they are part of my life.

We are currently going through a period of depression as she is in adolescence. That’s why she gets distant education. But she is very smart. She is good at math and science. Therefore, I believe that if we overcome these difficulties and get rid of this depression, she will be successful. As her mother, I try to consider every option. We are currently in gender affirmation process. Once she can get her surgeries and trials and change her identity and get her female ID card, she will be able to take advantage of same rights with me.

Since my child loves me very much, she prepares my tea when I come back from work tired in the evening. We watch TV together, she dabs my creams, gives a massage, we both like this. I tell myself, “I have a child to take care of me when I can’t help myself in future”.

Many people around me know about our situation. Even if I don’t say it, everything is clear from her appearance.

When it is asked, I say, “This is an innate situation, not a disease, she feels like a woman, we will complete this process together. I am with her. After the necessary surgeries, she will become a woman. I now have a son and a daughter.” When I stand against them, no one can say anything and everyone supports us. It does not matter what anyone else says, even if they are not supportive. What matters is my opinion. Of course, it is important for children and young persons in this situation that the people around us to overcome their prejudices. In this way, wrong attitudes towards them can be prevented to some extent. I see this as a development for the society. If everyone influences their own relatives, raising social awareness can be possible and no one is despised, killed or harmed because of their innate characteristics. Everyone lives happily. No one has the right to judge, kill or harm anyone. Living is the most natural right of our LGBTI+ children, just like every living thing that has ever been born.

My story is about my 20 year old son who is a trans man. My child, who made me so happy by his birth and continues to make me happy by his existence, my child was born as a girl. As long as I can remember, the thing I wanted most was to be a mother. It was the most precious thing for me. My first daughter was born, my wish came true. I wanted to have another daughter, so that they can accompany each other while I am absent. That wish came true.

Since my older daughter was constantly playing with toys of boys, I took her to an expert when she was three and a half years old. He said “Your child is okay, he is perfectly healthy, you should take care of yourself”. Then in middle school, I had problems with his style. I could not make him to wear a skirt. He was always wearing pants. He even wept when he was chosen as the most beautiful girl on primary school graduation. Anyway, I took him to an expert in middle school again and he said, “Your child is healthy, you should visit an expert”. I said ok. I took him again in high school, the reaction of the psychologist was same. As a mother, you think if there is a problem in my child, then I should have the burden instead of him. If your child is healthy, you can take care of yourself in life somehow.

My child was in his senior year of high school when his awareness raised via the internet, he realized that he is a trans person, and realized that there is a solution for this. That was when he told us about it. The experts I consulted without him at the time said, “Don’t listen, it’s too early. It can be teenage fad, it passes.” This worked for me too, I said ok. However, my child has provided the marks before. Namely, once his computer was corrupted, during the format process, I learned from my IT expert friend that my child was introducing himself as a boy on social media. I was very worried at that time, but I did not ask him because I got this information out of his control, thinking it would be an infringement of his rights.

The first thing we felt when he brought this subject up to us at the end of high school was guilt. We thought, “Where did we go wrong, we must have made a mistake somewhere while raising him. I got separated from his father when he was 15 months old, should not I did that? Could it be that I was not paying enough attention to him while I was working?” I lost my father when I was five and a half years old. My biggest trauma is; every year when the semester begins, all the teachers who come to class in the first week ask “What is your father’s job?”. Who cares? What does my father’s profession have to do with my education? Saying that I do not have a father was terrible for me. That is why I hated semester openings. This question made me feel like disadvantaged from the beginning.

That’s why I thought, “I grew up without a father, I got divorced from my child’s father when he was 15 months old, that’s exactly why it happened.” I got married again so as not to leave him without a father. He was older than me because I was looking for paternal affection, but this marriage was not successful either. Anyway, the period when my child came out to me was really scary. I saw myself as someone who does not judge anyone, does not discriminate and can empathize, but I was not such a person obviously. When my child came out to me with such a subject, I found it odd, I said, “How can it be? This is nonsense”. I struggled with it. My behaviors were nonsense. Of course, I see these now from where I stand today, but at the point where I was that day, I got panicked, lost my balance. I spent many sleepless nights in tears. I was going to work by covering my swollen eyes from crying with make-up, but I saw that it was a must for my child. He never compromised from his stance. He taught me in this process that it could not be otherwise.

Just before his university education, I saw that he needed support and I reached out to experts in this subject after making research. First I talked with a psychologist, saying that it is too early for something like that, the process should be monitored until the age of 25. It was too long. My child is now 20 years old and I am talking about 2 years ago. We could not spend these years waiting. If we had done what the psychologist said, I would have lost my child. Already in the process before he came out to me, my child had imprisoned his male feelings in that body so as not to upset me.

After realizing we could not find an answer from that psychologist, we met Assoc. Prof. Dr. Koray Başar from Hacettepe University Faculty of Medicine, Department of Mental Health and Diseases, whom we value very much and he touched the lives of many families and affected them greatly. He literally saved my child who was on the brink of the abyss. He has been the most important person in raising my awareness. My son knew that Koray Başar is there. We started seeing him two years ago. He provided his time and efforts for us. In this process, I was able to see that this is my child’s existence, and that he could not exist otherwise. Until then, the people around me who were very close to me considered it as a reflection of sauciness, perversion, teenage fad, something that will pass over. Of course, I consider above blame. Now I know that none of these things are true.

Difficult days have been overcome and our process started last summer. Our relationship is much better now. Since my child suppresses himself, I spent years fighting with him, which should have been good years. I used to think a lot about why he is always in his room, why he does not share anything with me, why I cannot be a good mother, why we do not have a sincere relationship, but now I understand that my child was struggling inside without my knowledge. Now our relationship is getting better day by day and his sister is extremely supportive. She was mature than me from the first time she heard about the news. If my children are happy, I am happy too.

The cruelty of society towards persons in this situation scared me a lot at first. I was saying, “What will my child face, how will he be cared for?” Then I thought, I am part of this society too, I cannot achieve anything without changing myself. I had an aunt whom I loved very much, who is religious. She did not know our situation, she was saying about trans persons that they should be executed by hanging. There are many such people in society who consider it from very different perspectives, I do not blame them. I see that this subject cannot be understood without experiencing it. I hope you will contemplate about these issues and see that there is no other option.

As you can imagine, I was not also very knowledgeable about trans persons before. Now I know and I want to share this knowledge with everyone I can reach. I want to support families who have just started their own journey. I will try to do everything I can on this path. That is why I am telling our story. These children are our children. Now I see absolutely and clearly that these persons are very brave. They make great efforts to make themselves accepted as they are. They are honest, they do not pretend. There are many people in this society who suppress themselves, do not express themselves because they are afraid of judgments because we are not a tolerant society.

I now see myself as an individual who strives to make unconditional love more universal. Based on this issue, I aim to be able to look at all differences with compassion and tolerance, to be able to empathize and to remind those who cannot feel empathy. Before I joined the Rainbow Family Group, this seemed like something that just happened to me. Our expert Koray Başar introduced me to a mother, how much I cried during my phone conversations with her. At the first meeting, like many families, I could not talk due to crying and could not explain my situation. At the point I have reached today, I now know the subject and that this is an unchangeable situation. When you know that something cannot be changed, your sense of surrender comes to the fore. It is believed that there are miracles of surrender… Then it gets easier because you see that there are other children who have similar behaviors with your child. My child is not the only one and alone. So being in the family group is absolutely beautiful, very beneficial. We welcome newly arrived families with love and compassion, and we feel the same emotions we went through when we first arrived there, we say, “It will pass”. Day by day, you will adjust.

I have been painting for 35 years. When I first started to paint, the most important thing for me was to bring the painting on the canvas as close to reality as possible and to persuade the audience of this reality. My biggest concern when painting was this matter of persuasion.

To draw a tree standing in front of me, I first prepare the palette, squeeze all the paints and then mix them. I see the tree as green, so my favorite color is green. As I continue to do it, I realize how little amount of green color is actually in a tree. There is brown, there is yellow, there is purple, there is blue, there is white. I do not think this can be true. I tell myself I should be making a mistake somewhere, but everyone who sees it says how beautiful the tree is. To be more clear, I am simply taking one red apple and put it on my desk, I am starting to paint it on canvas. Looking at the palette in front of me, the least used color is again red. The apple has diverse colors like yellow, green, purple on the surface. The shade of it is purple, the bottom looks purple when I put it on the table. Again, the least used color is red. The one thing I have learned in my 35 years of artistic life is the fact that our senses deceive us. I was beginning to realize the diversity. Nothing is what it seems, indeed.

Years have passed, I continue to paint. I have a 15 year old son. We have such a beautiful life, we are so happy… I trust my child a lot. I gave birth to the most beautiful child in the world, the most beautiful one. His character is developing slowly, I see it every day. Every day I come across a new aspect of him. My child is so beautiful both physically and spiritually…

One morning I wake up with a strange feeling: my child is lying. I cannot get over it, our bond is so close that I think he cannot lie to me. I am providing him so many space that there is no reason for him to lie to me. I spotted a couple of his lies. I am searching his browser history, I am ashamed of doing that but I looked the computer. I saw a letter on his computer, a letter to someone named Kaan, a love letter. His way of writing is so good, I thought that a girlfriend of him fell in love with Kaan, and asked my child to write a love letter on behalf of her so that Kaan would understand her feelings. The lies continue.

Another morning I wake up with the feeling, “Okay, that’s enough with the lies.” I took my child after school, we went to a cafe. I told him that “I am the only person you can trust in this life, I love you this and that much… There is something that went wrong! You are lying to me, I want you to explain it.” Finally, I asked him who is Kaan.

Meanwhile, we ordered a pizza, this pizza was the most important pizza in my life. Our order arrived, I got a bite and put it in my mount. He said “Okay mommy, I have to tell you this now. Kaan is my lover”. “How could I not understand?” I said. That pizza bite was still in my mouth. He said “I am gay, mom”. I was in such a shock at that moment that I tried to calm myself, by telling myself not to react, but just to stay calm. I asked a couple of questions, for example, how long has he been feeling this way… Then I said that he should not ascribe this to himself, that we do not know much about this, and then I suggested to see an expert together to enlighten us on this issue. He accepted.

We paid the bill and left the cafe. I still could not swallow that pizza bite I put in my mouth at 7 o’clock in the cafe at 11:30 at night. Everyone was asleep, I could not sleep until morning. It was morning, I found one of the best psychiatrists in Izmir, I went to him. I went alone first. Meanwhile, we did not talk about this issue with my child. But the bottom fell out of my world, it felt a bit like bereavement, a grieving for the life I would had planned for him. This cut me to the bone. The psychiatrist explained me roughly what it means, but I could not get the advice I wanted from him because my goal was to convert my child, to make him a heterosexual, that is to say, “normal” like the majority. I was not very satisfied with the psychiatrist’s explanations, then I found a psychologist, a younger one, I went to him with my child. As soon as I entered, I explained the situation, the first thing he said to me was “If you want to convert your child, please do not come here again, but if you want your child to live as he wants in society then come again”. He explained all of the terms one by one. I was still thinking that my child is only 15 years old, he has no sexual experience, how can a child explain that he is attracted to a person from the same sex when he has no experience. I insisted. The psychologist said “For us, the person’s own statement and feelings are important”. The most important thing I learned appeared there again: senses can deceive us, most importantly, feelings can so. I started to accept it that day. It has been two years since I learned this. At first I was crying all the time. In the first year, I used to tell my friends and even to people I did not know, just to be able to overcome this crying about my son, “Hello Ayşe, do you know my son is gay”. After saying this so many times, I learned to explain it without crying anymore.

Now every day I learn new and very beautiful aspects of my child. Every day… He taught me a lot… I read books for hours, not just about sexual life, but thousands of things about life. I learned all of this thanks to my child, and I owe him big time.

About nine years ago, I experienced a major breaking point in my life. I thought that what I was talking about would have a very negative effect, even a blow in my life. When I look at my current life, it is quite the opposite; I see that it has had an opening, relaxing and developing effect.

I have always cared about respect to differences, different segments and different understandings. I also struggled to keep myself at a point where I did not ostracize who I saw different throughout my life. I took great care in raising my child this way. Looking back after that breaking point, I realized that as a person who thought she respects differences, was not like that at all. Because I have always observed and discovered certain differences about my son since he was young, but I had been a mother who forced him to be a part of majority by making up various reasons for them. In other words, because I saw a difference in him, I took him to a psychologist, accepted the negative effects caused by the psychologist without questioning, and tried to live by ignoring this process.

Then one day I got a letter from my son that broke my heart and shook me completely. When I saw the pink-colored letter lying there on my bed, I opened it, thinking, “I wonder what kind of story my son told me.” The letter begins with his coming out as a gay person and although he was only 17, he wrote that he would understand my reaction when I learned this as if he was my parent.

I got reel back from it. You know as in cartoons, I saw the stars after bump on head… I really saw the stars. At the end of the letter, my son stated that he would not come home for three days and that we could talk after I understand the situation. I could not understand it. At that point, I realized that as a person, who thinks she is respectful and tolerant to differences and to persons who say they are gay or trans, I had been actually a mother who tried to pressure her child, without understanding by considering his sexual orientation as if it is a choice. All my effort was to change my child quickly after learning what homosexuality is and to save him from this choice.

I specifically use the word “choice” because it formed the basis of my former perception. I needed a long journey to learn from my mistake and I would like to share with you how this journey was.

After the letter, I took my child to psychologists, psychiatrists. I wanted to come across someone who knew about this subject, who would understand us and show us the right way. I did a research and we met a really good psychologist. We started going there with my son, but the psychologist’s main goal was to ease my process. However, I expected him to tell to my son, “You are at the wrong point, you are not establishing a right relationship with yourself,” but it did not happen.

Even now, 9 years later, I still remember the feeling of finding that letter. After reading it, my efforts to persuade my son began. I was constantly trying to pressure him with what I call “choice”; and suggesting “Don’t choose that way”. After many research and conversations with others, I began to realize that this is not a choice from the bottom of my brain but my heart was not listening it. I would say to my son, “If this is not a choice but something like what you describe, I will struggle for you as an activist.” Because if even I had excluded and ignored this issue by being so conservative and homophobic, who knows how the outside world would be? This was the first time I was evaluating this issue so deeply and each time my heart and soul were aching. A rebellion, an objection was mobilizing inside me.

When I finally accepted, I said, “Are there things I could not understand in his life, did they affect my child’s sexual orientation?” I questioned myself like that for a while. Later, I met the family support group and starting from that day on, I took care to be a part of them. My point of view, my way of perceiving life and the relationship I have with myself have changed a lot after I learned from each other in the group that this is not a matter of motherhood, that mothers from all segments and from all classes can have LGBTI+ children, that this has nothing to do with the relationship we have with our children, that is, after I discovered this field. My awareness was raised and it became a responsibility. Then it turned into something that affected my personal choices and the pace of my life. In addition, as someone who tries to think about motherhood and love, I have once again confirmed that love requires taking responsibility and understanding.

Respecting and opening up space for those who are different to show their difference is something I value very much and is one of the basis of my connection with the world. I have always cared about the issue of discrimination throughout my life, but while one cares a lot about some issues in this field, at the same time can ignore other issues such as LGBTI+ rights. LGBTI+ rights were a field that I ignored and keep myself away from it, consoling myself by saying that I just respect them.

If I had the wisdom I have today, I would never force my child to go to the psychologist after he left me a letter because it was a situation that I experienced difficulty with, not him. He did not need any help in this regard. If he had a hard time embracing this identity and I had seen it, I might have thought he had to go.

I, who thinks that differences should be respected, have been exposed to things while I was taking him from one doctor to another because he is different. They told me to keep myself away from my child. These were the things that ruin the mother-child relationship, and I can realize this now.

Confronting homosexuality had the effect of changing my perspective on things that is not norm. I was a woman who got married after graduating from university, had a child 4-5 years after marriage even though I did not want children, and led a normal, standard life.

I got separated from my husband before I found out that my son is gay, I was trying to quickly change my life when I came across this issue. I am now discovering that this has liberated my life. To love with understanding is really liberating and comforting. I have also seen that understanding each other built our relationship with my son.

When my son was young, I did not dream about his future; what we call the future is made up of things we assume, so I did not dream of anything for him. Now, I am relieved to see that he is a stronger and more self-aware individual in choosing what suits him. I do not want him to be in relationships and preferences where he feels obligated and stuck.

It relieves me to see that he is not at that point in terms of personality. My wish for him to build a life in a way he wants. I have gay, trans friends. Based on this, my son assumed that when he came out to me, I would say “Is that so, dear, so you are gay” in a very understanding way, but it never happened. During the time I spent understanding and accepting this issue, I saw that; children with their parents standing next to them become more empowered.

After reaching a certain maturity level, they become stronger in coping with life. I will never forget, a friend of mine who is gay in his thirties once told me, “I can fight against the whole world, as long as my mother stands by me.” This influenced me a lot. I also saw this; after I stand by my child, his self-confidence and his relationship with himself became more decent and better. I think that children who are supported by their parents are more advantageous in making peace with themselves, gaining a life and gaining self-confidence.

When we meet with parents whose children came out, I want them to feel that I understand their feelings and their pain if they are experiencing pain (and most of them are experiencing). We say that we have experienced similar things and provide examples from our own lives. We say, “Please give a chance to change the feelings that you see as unchangeable right now” because when I went to the psychologist, I wanted my feelings to be recognized, understood, and even approved. Against a disapproving person, I was on the contrary harsh and getting more defensive. However, when you meet someone who understands you, you lower your guard more easily. We also try to make the family group feel that we understand each other. Apart from that, we share our own experiences, how we overcome the difficulties, the methods with which we can overcome those difficulties, how important solidarity is, and where we can find the strength of solidarity.

I had methods of overcoming difficulties that I can call a strategy. When my awareness was worse, I had never shared the situation with anyone. As my awareness raises, I realized that I need to share and see the reactions. Then I started to come out to my friends. I made strategic choices while coming out. The first friends I came out are the people who are more positive about this issue, would not judge my son, and would not keep themselves away from him. So glad that I came out because I cannot say that I did not have a fear of harming my relations while telling them that my son is gay.

In the end, we create ourselves a world and relation with our friends, but seeing that my fear is unfounded made me feel more comfortable and safer to share it with others.

I came by many people who struggled about differences, gave their lives and paid the price while resisting the discrimination suffered by others, but I know that most of them are homophobic and keep themselves away from the LGBTI+ field. You do not have to experience it to see it.

We should realize how the acts of discrimination support and reproduce each other, while opposing one thing, we should realize how the discrimination against another destroys the things we struggle and work for, we should look at the struggle for life as a whole and see that all of them interact with each other and give the necessary support to all of them.

I see with having on my conscience that I have keep myself away from this for a long time in my life. Of course, I had to support them against the violence, discrimination and neglect they experienced. It is sad for me to realize this with my child, but it is even sadder to realize and not fight back. I attach great importance to fighting together, shoulder to shoulder, against injustice and violence, without waiting for our own children to face these. As mothers, we can say a lot about the rights of LGBTI+ persons and have an impact. We need to find the language and method for this, not only for our own children, but for all persons who are discriminated against, for humanity.