I have been painting for 35 years. When I first started to paint, the most important thing for me was to bring the painting on the canvas as close to reality as possible and to persuade the audience of this reality. My biggest concern when painting was this matter of persuasion.
To draw a tree standing in front of me, I first prepare the palette, squeeze all the paints and then mix them. I see the tree as green, so my favorite color is green. As I continue to do it, I realize how little amount of green color is actually in a tree. There is brown, there is yellow, there is purple, there is blue, there is white. I do not think this can be true. I tell myself I should be making a mistake somewhere, but everyone who sees it says how beautiful the tree is. To be more clear, I am simply taking one red apple and put it on my desk, I am starting to paint it on canvas. Looking at the palette in front of me, the least used color is again red. The apple has diverse colors like yellow, green, purple on the surface. The shade of it is purple, the bottom looks purple when I put it on the table. Again, the least used color is red. The one thing I have learned in my 35 years of artistic life is the fact that our senses deceive us. I was beginning to realize the diversity. Nothing is what it seems, indeed.
Years have passed, I continue to paint. I have a 15 year old son. We have such a beautiful life, we are so happy… I trust my child a lot. I gave birth to the most beautiful child in the world, the most beautiful one. His character is developing slowly, I see it every day. Every day I come across a new aspect of him. My child is so beautiful both physically and spiritually…
One morning I wake up with a strange feeling: my child is lying. I cannot get over it, our bond is so close that I think he cannot lie to me. I am providing him so many space that there is no reason for him to lie to me. I spotted a couple of his lies. I am searching his browser history, I am ashamed of doing that but I looked the computer. I saw a letter on his computer, a letter to someone named Kaan, a love letter. His way of writing is so good, I thought that a girlfriend of him fell in love with Kaan, and asked my child to write a love letter on behalf of her so that Kaan would understand her feelings. The lies continue.
Another morning I wake up with the feeling, “Okay, that’s enough with the lies.” I took my child after school, we went to a cafe. I told him that “I am the only person you can trust in this life, I love you this and that much… There is something that went wrong! You are lying to me, I want you to explain it.” Finally, I asked him who is Kaan.
Meanwhile, we ordered a pizza, this pizza was the most important pizza in my life. Our order arrived, I got a bite and put it in my mount. He said “Okay mommy, I have to tell you this now. Kaan is my lover”. “How could I not understand?” I said. That pizza bite was still in my mouth. He said “I am gay, mom”. I was in such a shock at that moment that I tried to calm myself, by telling myself not to react, but just to stay calm. I asked a couple of questions, for example, how long has he been feeling this way… Then I said that he should not ascribe this to himself, that we do not know much about this, and then I suggested to see an expert together to enlighten us on this issue. He accepted.
We paid the bill and left the cafe. I still could not swallow that pizza bite I put in my mouth at 7 o’clock in the cafe at 11:30 at night. Everyone was asleep, I could not sleep until morning. It was morning, I found one of the best psychiatrists in Izmir, I went to him. I went alone first. Meanwhile, we did not talk about this issue with my child. But the bottom fell out of my world, it felt a bit like bereavement, a grieving for the life I would had planned for him. This cut me to the bone. The psychiatrist explained me roughly what it means, but I could not get the advice I wanted from him because my goal was to convert my child, to make him a heterosexual, that is to say, “normal” like the majority. I was not very satisfied with the psychiatrist’s explanations, then I found a psychologist, a younger one, I went to him with my child. As soon as I entered, I explained the situation, the first thing he said to me was “If you want to convert your child, please do not come here again, but if you want your child to live as he wants in society then come again”. He explained all of the terms one by one. I was still thinking that my child is only 15 years old, he has no sexual experience, how can a child explain that he is attracted to a person from the same sex when he has no experience. I insisted. The psychologist said “For us, the person’s own statement and feelings are important”. The most important thing I learned appeared there again: senses can deceive us, most importantly, feelings can so. I started to accept it that day. It has been two years since I learned this. At first I was crying all the time. In the first year, I used to tell my friends and even to people I did not know, just to be able to overcome this crying about my son, “Hello Ayşe, do you know my son is gay”. After saying this so many times, I learned to explain it without crying anymore.
Now every day I learn new and very beautiful aspects of my child. Every day… He taught me a lot… I read books for hours, not just about sexual life, but thousands of things about life. I learned all of this thanks to my child, and I owe him big time.
