My story is about my 20 year old son who is a trans man. My child, who made me so happy by his birth and continues to make me happy by his existence, my child was born as a girl. As long as I can remember, the thing I wanted most was to be a mother. It was the most precious thing for me. My first daughter was born, my wish came true. I wanted to have another daughter, so that they can accompany each other while I am absent. That wish came true.
Since my older daughter was constantly playing with toys of boys, I took her to an expert when she was three and a half years old. He said “Your child is okay, he is perfectly healthy, you should take care of yourself”. Then in middle school, I had problems with his style. I could not make him to wear a skirt. He was always wearing pants. He even wept when he was chosen as the most beautiful girl on primary school graduation. Anyway, I took him to an expert in middle school again and he said, “Your child is healthy, you should visit an expert”. I said ok. I took him again in high school, the reaction of the psychologist was same. As a mother, you think if there is a problem in my child, then I should have the burden instead of him. If your child is healthy, you can take care of yourself in life somehow.
My child was in his senior year of high school when his awareness raised via the internet, he realized that he is a trans person, and realized that there is a solution for this. That was when he told us about it. The experts I consulted without him at the time said, “Don’t listen, it’s too early. It can be teenage fad, it passes.” This worked for me too, I said ok. However, my child has provided the marks before. Namely, once his computer was corrupted, during the format process, I learned from my IT expert friend that my child was introducing himself as a boy on social media. I was very worried at that time, but I did not ask him because I got this information out of his control, thinking it would be an infringement of his rights.
The first thing we felt when he brought this subject up to us at the end of high school was guilt. We thought, “Where did we go wrong, we must have made a mistake somewhere while raising him. I got separated from his father when he was 15 months old, should not I did that? Could it be that I was not paying enough attention to him while I was working?” I lost my father when I was five and a half years old. My biggest trauma is; every year when the semester begins, all the teachers who come to class in the first week ask “What is your father’s job?”. Who cares? What does my father’s profession have to do with my education? Saying that I do not have a father was terrible for me. That is why I hated semester openings. This question made me feel like disadvantaged from the beginning.
That’s why I thought, “I grew up without a father, I got divorced from my child’s father when he was 15 months old, that’s exactly why it happened.” I got married again so as not to leave him without a father. He was older than me because I was looking for paternal affection, but this marriage was not successful either. Anyway, the period when my child came out to me was really scary. I saw myself as someone who does not judge anyone, does not discriminate and can empathize, but I was not such a person obviously. When my child came out to me with such a subject, I found it odd, I said, “How can it be? This is nonsense”. I struggled with it. My behaviors were nonsense. Of course, I see these now from where I stand today, but at the point where I was that day, I got panicked, lost my balance. I spent many sleepless nights in tears. I was going to work by covering my swollen eyes from crying with make-up, but I saw that it was a must for my child. He never compromised from his stance. He taught me in this process that it could not be otherwise.
Just before his university education, I saw that he needed support and I reached out to experts in this subject after making research. First I talked with a psychologist, saying that it is too early for something like that, the process should be monitored until the age of 25. It was too long. My child is now 20 years old and I am talking about 2 years ago. We could not spend these years waiting. If we had done what the psychologist said, I would have lost my child. Already in the process before he came out to me, my child had imprisoned his male feelings in that body so as not to upset me.
After realizing we could not find an answer from that psychologist, we met Assoc. Prof. Dr. Koray Başar from Hacettepe University Faculty of Medicine, Department of Mental Health and Diseases, whom we value very much and he touched the lives of many families and affected them greatly. He literally saved my child who was on the brink of the abyss. He has been the most important person in raising my awareness. My son knew that Koray Başar is there. We started seeing him two years ago. He provided his time and efforts for us. In this process, I was able to see that this is my child’s existence, and that he could not exist otherwise. Until then, the people around me who were very close to me considered it as a reflection of sauciness, perversion, teenage fad, something that will pass over. Of course, I consider above blame. Now I know that none of these things are true.
Difficult days have been overcome and our process started last summer. Our relationship is much better now. Since my child suppresses himself, I spent years fighting with him, which should have been good years. I used to think a lot about why he is always in his room, why he does not share anything with me, why I cannot be a good mother, why we do not have a sincere relationship, but now I understand that my child was struggling inside without my knowledge. Now our relationship is getting better day by day and his sister is extremely supportive. She was mature than me from the first time she heard about the news. If my children are happy, I am happy too.
The cruelty of society towards persons in this situation scared me a lot at first. I was saying, “What will my child face, how will he be cared for?” Then I thought, I am part of this society too, I cannot achieve anything without changing myself. I had an aunt whom I loved very much, who is religious. She did not know our situation, she was saying about trans persons that they should be executed by hanging. There are many such people in society who consider it from very different perspectives, I do not blame them. I see that this subject cannot be understood without experiencing it. I hope you will contemplate about these issues and see that there is no other option.
As you can imagine, I was not also very knowledgeable about trans persons before. Now I know and I want to share this knowledge with everyone I can reach. I want to support families who have just started their own journey. I will try to do everything I can on this path. That is why I am telling our story. These children are our children. Now I see absolutely and clearly that these persons are very brave. They make great efforts to make themselves accepted as they are. They are honest, they do not pretend. There are many people in this society who suppress themselves, do not express themselves because they are afraid of judgments because we are not a tolerant society.
I now see myself as an individual who strives to make unconditional love more universal. Based on this issue, I aim to be able to look at all differences with compassion and tolerance, to be able to empathize and to remind those who cannot feel empathy. Before I joined the Rainbow Family Group, this seemed like something that just happened to me. Our expert Koray Başar introduced me to a mother, how much I cried during my phone conversations with her. At the first meeting, like many families, I could not talk due to crying and could not explain my situation. At the point I have reached today, I now know the subject and that this is an unchangeable situation. When you know that something cannot be changed, your sense of surrender comes to the fore. It is believed that there are miracles of surrender… Then it gets easier because you see that there are other children who have similar behaviors with your child. My child is not the only one and alone. So being in the family group is absolutely beautiful, very beneficial. We welcome newly arrived families with love and compassion, and we feel the same emotions we went through when we first arrived there, we say, “It will pass”. Day by day, you will adjust.
