I am a public officer. I have a daughter who is 18 year old trans woman. During my pregnancy, I always wanted to have a daughter, they said that I would have a son in medical examination. At first I was sad, but when my husband was happy to have a son, I became happy too. After giving birth, our child was born as a boy and we accepted him as a boy. I did not realize anything when my child was growing up, but because of the examples I saw around, I got worried and asked involuntarily, “I wonder if my child will be like this?” I always kept my child under control to see if there was any mark of femininity. I was observing if there was any difference in the behaviors and gestures, checking the toys.
At that time, there was no mark to make me suspicious until the adolescence period. My child was 14 years old then, I saw in the computer’s browser history there was a search for gay relations. When I clicked on the link, I got scared when I saw the images that appeared before me. I got panicked and asked my child directly, “Did you watch this?” My child denied it. I said “If you become like them, I will reject you, you cannot live in this house. I can’t have a child like you”. “No mom, I’m not like that. Don’t worry, I’m normal, not gay” my child replied. When my child said that, my mind was set at ease, but still, there was the fear.
I then continued to monitor my child and found some pills. Without noticing my child, I searched for the contents of the pills on the internet and realized that these were pills related to hormone therapy, the female hormones. When I asked about the pills, my child scolded me and said “you cannot understand.” After I gathered information about the pills, my child stopped denial and said “I am using these but for different reasons”. My suspicions continued.
Then we went on an international trip together. My child had been planning to come out to me during this trip. When we went on the trip, the appearance did not change and my child was still acting masculine. A few days later, my child said “Mom, I’m going to tell you something. I am gay”. I was stunned and said “my fears came true, how could you be gay, you denied it”. My child told me “I hid it so as not to upset you.” “As if I am not upset now?” I replied. “Well, at least you haven’t been upset during this time” my child tried to soothe me. Of course, I was offensive. I verbally abused him by saying things like “Will you be like this, how will you live, will you live such a life?” In the following days, I was pretty harsh. But my child always tried to assume a humble tone to get an endorsement from me by saying “Mommy, my dear, I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you, don’t do that, you are hurting me. What matters is your opinion. After you accept me, the rest doesn’t matter”.
I’ve had some pretty tough days. Staying awake until the morning, so to speak; I wanted to tear my hair out. Of course, this spoil the pleasure of our holiday. Thanks to my close friend, whom we approached supported us both in the coming out process and in my acceptance process by soothing me by saying, “Auntie, this is your child, you have to accept your child completely. Don’t act like that, don’t talk like that”.
When we got home, my child wanted to make me watch something. “There is a documentary called “My Child”. It helps you understand me better” my child said. I said, “I don’t want to watch, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know and understand you either.” My child insisted a lot, I could not resist more. By the way, I made some research on the internet. When I came home one evening, my child forced me to watch the whole movie. While watching it, I said, “So I am not alone, there are other families in the same situation.” I felt sorry for them and said, “Why me, why did it happen to me, why didn’t it happen like everyone else? What was I dreaming of, what did I see?” I thought. Of course, by the way, because the person in front of you is your child, inevitably your process of acceptance starts.
When we went to the doctor later, the doctor said that this was a situation that should be accepted as such, this is beyond our power, that we could get through this process more easily if we stood by our child as family. Then said, “If you do not stand with your child, you will experience challenges and lose your child” and informed me about concepts that I did not know before. Some children are born in a female body and felt like a man; some of them are born as male and felt like a woman. I learned also about sexual orientations, like same sex relations like gay or lesbian relations; I learned that those who get attracted to both sex is called bisexual. I did not know the distinction between trans men and trans women before, I supposed all of them are gay.
As I started to attend the meetings, I started to relax and learned to express myself comfortably. I saw that I was not alone. We got together with other similar families and shared good things, supported our children and shared more with them.
So that means we used to have blinders. Later I learned: whoever your children are, they are your children in the end. You shall stand by their side and support them by holding their hands by embracing them. Now I believe our relation will get better and better. Maybe it was good that it happened this way. I got rid of my previous bias and stereotypes. My perspective about persons and gender has changed. Although I am a university graduate, I gained a lot of information that I could not obtain before.
I say to my child, “I am glad that you are here, you are always welcomed no matter what you are, I’m with you, I love you very much” and my child says to me, “My dear mom, I love you so much, I’m glad you are my mother, I’m very happy with you and I always want to live with you” Both my children are the same for me. It doesn’t matter if my children are trans or straight. I don’t see any difference between them. After all, they are part of my life.
We are currently going through a period of depression as she is in adolescence. That’s why she gets distant education. But she is very smart. She is good at math and science. Therefore, I believe that if we overcome these difficulties and get rid of this depression, she will be successful. As her mother, I try to consider every option. We are currently in gender affirmation process. Once she can get her surgeries and trials and change her identity and get her female ID card, she will be able to take advantage of same rights with me.
Since my child loves me very much, she prepares my tea when I come back from work tired in the evening. We watch TV together, she dabs my creams, gives a massage, we both like this. I tell myself, “I have a child to take care of me when I can’t help myself in future”.
Many people around me know about our situation. Even if I don’t say it, everything is clear from her appearance.
When it is asked, I say, “This is an innate situation, not a disease, she feels like a woman, we will complete this process together. I am with her. After the necessary surgeries, she will become a woman. I now have a son and a daughter.” When I stand against them, no one can say anything and everyone supports us. It does not matter what anyone else says, even if they are not supportive. What matters is my opinion. Of course, it is important for children and young persons in this situation that the people around us to overcome their prejudices. In this way, wrong attitudes towards them can be prevented to some extent. I see this as a development for the society. If everyone influences their own relatives, raising social awareness can be possible and no one is despised, killed or harmed because of their innate characteristics. Everyone lives happily. No one has the right to judge, kill or harm anyone. Living is the most natural right of our LGBTI+ children, just like every living thing that has ever been born.
